


Fade to Black

by StanfouQueen



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies), The Isle of the Lost Series - Melissa de la Cruz
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Magic, Nightmares, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-09 19:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StanfouQueen/pseuds/StanfouQueen
Summary: My human is sick today.See, you might look at him and think he’s fine. And you’d be half right because there’s nothing wrong with his body. He looks fine. Great even. His body is small but healthy.But his body’s health can’t tell everything, you see, because Carlos has a really weird sickness. It’s not the kind of illness that makes you cough or throw up, or even get a fever. It’s a kind of… a kind of sad-sickness.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually like writing in first person, at all, but when I write my #1 goal is always to get the reader into the headspace of the character(s). Since I wanted this story to focus on Dude, and I felt like third person didn't properly do that, I went with first person. Getting into a dog's mindset is kind of hard, haha.
> 
> I basically watched my guinea pigs and beagle for a few hours trying to figure out what was going on in there. Plus watching Secret Life of Pets (what can I say, it gets the personalities down perfectly) because I wanted Dude and Carlos's relationship to basically be Max and Katie mixed with Ash and Pikachu, with my own touch thrown in.
> 
> So, basically, what I'm trying to say is this fic was a challenge for me, and I hope it worked rather than just being a melodramatic mess.
> 
> Well, time to find out! Please read and review!

My human is sick today.

See, you might look at him and think he’s fine. And you’d be half right because there’s nothing wrong with his body. He _looks_ fine. Great even. His body is small but healthy.

But his body’s health can’t tell everything, you see, because Carlos has a really weird sickness. It’s not the kind of illness that makes you cough or throw up, or even get a fever. It’s a kind of… a kind of sad-sickness.

I was confused the first time I saw him get like this. He refused to get out of bed and go to class, even though he usually loves school more than anything.

(I, for one, hate sitting still for an entire hour at a time, but I suffer through it because it is my job to keep my human safe and happy.)

At first I thought he was just sleepy, so I licked his face, which usually gets him right up because he thinks I need a walk, and he always, always tends to my needs. But that day, he just rolled to his side and whispered, “not today, Dude.”

I whined, hopping up to cuddle against his side, and he let out a sigh as he tangled his fingers in my fur. “I don’t feel good, Dude.” I let out another whine, pressing closer, and Carlos explained, “I just… I get really sad sometimes. And it makes me sick. Sometimes I get scared, too. And… And I can barely move or do anything because it’s all too much.” He held me tighter.

Now, I’m a little dog, so I really wouldn’t stand a chance protecting my human in a physical fight. That’s not what “keeping him safe” means for me. Keeping him safe means protecting him from his nightmares and anything else that hurts him. So for me to hear that there’s something inside him that’s making him even more afraid, well… it was really upsetting and scary to me.

I resolved to give him extra kisses and cuddles, but it wasn’t enough. It got me some tiny smiles, but it didn’t get Carlos to class. It didn’t even get him out of bed.

Thankfully he got better, and it was a long time before I saw him like that again. But eventually I did; a day here and there, at first, the same frequency you’d expect a human to get a cold or flu.

But lately, it’s been happening more and more. He’s been sad-sick for a few weeks now. Sometimes he’s well enough to make himself go to class. Other times he refuses to get out of bed and pretends to have a tummy ache or something else.

Usually, it starts with him getting scared-sick. A nightmare will leave him tossing and turning and I won’t be able to wake him no matter how hard I try (and oh, do I ever try, even when it makes _me_ so scared I start to cry). And then he’ll scream in terror and jolt awake, and he’ll be jumpy and distant most of the day, but he’ll still be… well, there.

And then the next day he won’t get out of bed at all. Or even if he does, it’ll be like he isn’t really there at all, even though he is. But he hides in plain sight so well that no one, even Jay or Mal or Evie, think anything is wrong besides him being tired or something.

I can always tell he’s suffering on those days. He’s in pain, probably even worse than if his body were hurt instead. I can see that he’s thinking a lot of awful things, but I don’t know what they are, and I can’t even ask him because I can’t talk anymore.

Sometimes, on those days, I consider trying to convince Mal to make more truth gummies so that I _can_ ask him. But I also think if I could talk again, he wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me things anymore. There are a lot of things he tells me (like that he’s sad-sick at all) that he won’t tell the others, not even Jay, because I couldn’t reveal his secrets even if I wanted to. And they can. Not that they ever _would_ , but see, Carlos always has to think of the million-to-one chance. Because in his life, it’s always that million-to-one, overlooked thing that ends up coming to bite him.

So, even though I want to know more, I have to be happy with what he’s giving me. It’s like when I can smell a bag of treats and I want them all so badly, but he only gives me one, except, this isn’t like a treat at all. Treats make me happy. The things he tells me make me want to howl away my sorrow all night. It makes me wonder why humans can’t seem to find anything better to do than torture each other.

I like humans, really. They do a lot of cool stuff. They make things (like treats) and they’re usually pretty great to be around. They give great belly rubs, and they play a lot of games, and they really do make the best friends. But there’s so many who are just so evil that it’s beyond a dog’s comprehension. Like Cruella de Vil.

If you talked to me a year ago about Cruella, I would have had a lot to say about the vile woman, for sure. I would have told you what a monster she was for trying to kill so many puppies all in the name of _fashion_ , something utterly meaningless.

But see, I would have thought that was the worst thing she ever did or could do. But I would have been very, very wrong.

She did dozens, maybe hundreds, of worse things, and every single one of them were done to my human.

She hurt him in ways I never knew were possible until Carlos told me.

Really, I understand why he’s scared-sick and sad-sick so much, because I feel scared-sick and sad-sick sometimes just thinking about what happened to him, and I can’t imagine living through it all. I probably would have died of heartbreak in a quarter of the time.

And the saddest thing of all is, if Carlos knew how upset I was at his pain, he’d probably apologize for making me feel that way, and then he’d stop telling me things- putting me before his own needs, like always.

(Carlos de Vil loves me more than anything or anyone on the planet. It makes me feel so happy and so lucky, but, it scares me sometimes too. Because I worry what will happen if he decides he has to sacrifice something for me.)

Carlos puts more energy into taking care of me than himself. And that, ultimately, is why I take my duties so seriously.

When I was just the school mascot, I didn’t have a _job_. I ate, I ran, I played with some of the kids, and that was it. But then came Carlos. And he needs me as much as I need him. I don’t think either of us could survive without the other one.

So, it’s really important that I watch out for Carlos when he gets sad-sick.

The problem is, I really can’t seem to do anything more than watching. I can’t fix things. But he always tells me I don’t have to fix, that no one can.

But I’m determined to find a way to cure it anyway. Carlos deserves that much. Well, he deserves a lot more than that, but, I have to do one thing at a time. It would be like trying to fit both a toy and treat in my mouth at the same time… it can’t be done and I’d probably end up dropping them both.

Suddenly, Carlos’s voice interrupts my thoughts. He sounds so tired and sad as he says, “hey buddy,” wrapping an arm around me and stroking my fur just the way I like.

I let out a whine. It’s kind of happy, because I’m happy any time I’m with Carlos, but it’s sad too because I hate Carlos’s sick days. Moving under Carlos’s arm, I settle myself on his tummy, knowing that he loves feeling my warmth and weight there. Like a heating pad, he always says, and if that’s what comforts him, then I’ll become the best heating pad ever.

“Dude?” Carlos scratches behind my ears, looking down at me. He looks so exhausted that it sends a pang through my heart. It makes him look so much older. Nothing like the carefree teenagers I was used to as school mascot. He looks more like a harried teacher, except, not even they know the stress this boy carries on his shoulders every day.

(What would the adults do if they knew? Would they try to help? Would their efforts even accomplish anything? There’s been a lot of adults around Carlos, and none of them have ever seemed able to fix the things inside him that got broken. It isn’t fair. Why can’t Carlos have a Roger and an Anita like all those Dalmatians did? Why does he have to be bound to Cruella while the rest of us get to forget her cruelty?)

I tilt my head and paw at his chest, prompting Carlos to continue, and he does. “Do you ever… do you ever just wonder what the point of all this is?” His voice breaks, and his eyes fill with tears. I ready myself to move forward to lick them off his cheeks. “Why should I even try anymore? Nothing’s ever going to change, Dude.”

I whine and shake my head, touching his chest with my paw. _You’re wrong_ , I want to tell him. _You’re the bravest boy I know. If anyone can change anything it’s you. You can do anything. You lived with Cruella de Vil for fourteen years and didn’t let her corrupt you. You can do anything you set your mind to._

Oh, what I would do for another truth gummy.

Ariel once traded her voice for a pair of human legs; maybe I can trade something for a voice. I don’t have much, but whatever they wanted, they could have. I’d give them my tail in a heartbeat.

Carlos looks at me with pain in his eyes. “I know, buddy, I know you’re trying to tell me it’ll all get better and… whatever else.” He closes his eyes. “But I don’t think there’s any fixing this, you know? What’s the point?”

I frown, and then jump off the bed. Carlos looks at me in surprise as I trot over to the other side of the room, use my jaws to pick up something small sticking out of Jay’s backpack, and then return, showing it to him.

It’s a picture of Carlos and his friends. I drop it by his hands, the message clear- _they’re the point, Carlos._

Carlos sighs, and I tilt my head in confusion as he says, “they’d be better off without me. They’re always tied down… always trying to protect me and…” The tears start to flow down his face. “I’m worthless, Dude. Everyone I know would be better off if I’d never been born.”

I let out a cry at his words, because not only are they untrue, but it _hurts_ to listen. I try to put my words into my whine, even though I know he won’t be able to understand. Not because he doesn’t understand me- he always does- but because he’s so far gone, he can’t understand anyone saying nice things about him. _How could you say that, Carlos? Me! I’m right here! I didn’t have a purpose in life until I met you! If you’d never been born I never would have had a human of my own, I never would have known what love feels like! Everything good in my life is because you’re in it!_

I want to scream it, but my voice box betrays me by only letting out those wordless cries.

I have to find Mal soon. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t! I can’t let my human sit there with those painful thoughts. How could he even think he should never have been born? Where would that idea come from?

Unfortunately, I know exactly where, or rather who.

I hate Cruella. I never met her, but I really, really hate her. And I’m a dog, I don’t hate anyone usually. But her? I’d love to chomp on her leg, and take a chunk out of it like her bear traps did to my boy.

I’d trade every treat I have and ever will have for a chance to avenge Carlos.

But there’s no sorcerer or witch or any other magic user anywhere near me, let alone one who could offer that kind of bargain.

Licking as much of Carlos’s face as I can possibly reach, I try to make him see, make him _feel_ all the love I have for him. He has to know, he has to! He has to know the day I met him was the best day of my life.

But Carlos just lifts me up and gently places me down away from his head, looking at me with those sad eyes again. He looks like he’s trying to find words, and I wait, even though I know I won’t like them.

“I love you, buddy. I do,” he says. And I start to perk up. Maybe I will like it after all.

“But… I don’t deserve you.”

My heart shatters.

“You deserve an owner who isn’t a worthless, insane, selfish failure.”

The pieces of my heart break into still smaller pieces.

“I ruin everything. I ruined my mom’s life just by being born and I’m doing the same with you and Jay and Mal and Evie.”

And now those pieces are being ground up into dust.

I start to howl in pain, and Carlos looks so guilty. Like this is his fault and not his demon mother. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll stop, buddy.”

I rest my paw against his hand, telling him he’s done nothing wrong. But he doesn’t believe me.

“I’m gonna lie down for a while, okay?” he says, and rolls over, back facing me, before falling asleep again, leaving me alone with this hopeless feeling in my belly.

—

I must have fallen asleep too, because the next time I open my eyes, Carlos is humming a soft song and writing something in a notebook. I climb into his lap, and he gives a tiny smile as he looks down at me. If it weren’t for earlier, I could almost pretend he wasn’t sad-sick today at all.

“Hey, buddy. Have a good nap?” he asks, scratching my ears, and I nod. “Good. I’m glad you’re feeling okay, at least.” Carlos looks at me with such love that I feel angry, not at him, but at… well, anyone who’s responsible for making him feel this way. How could they not see how beautiful this boy is?

Except, really, when I think about it, I think they did. I think that’s why they did it.

Most people see a beautiful thing and want to protect it and take care of it. But the kinds of people Carlos grew up with want to destroy instead. They’re the kinds of people that would stomp on a flower just _because_. Even though flowers never do anything but smell nice.

It’s really mean, and I hate it.

I wish I could take away Carlos’s sad-sickness and scared-sickness and make Cruella have them instead. She should be the one struggling with bad dreams, not him.

But I’m just a dog, and no one asked me about justice. As a matter of fact, no one but Carlos ever asked me anything at all.

Carlos lets out a sigh, holding me in his arms and looking out the window. He looks so faraway, like even though his body is here, his mind is somewhere else.

(It scares me when he does that. What if he goes away one day and never comes back?)

“I know she’s not here anymore,” he says, and his voice sounds just as far as his face looks. “I should be happy. And I am, kind of. But… there’s just so much… hurt. I _hurt_ , Dude. I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending everything’s okay when every time I fall asleep I hope I don’t wake up.”

Finally I decide I have to get help. I can’t get through to him on my own; I need backup.

I look from Carlos to the door, and finally hop off the bed, standing beside it. On days like this, Carlos knows that means to just open it and let me go out on my own- I know where to go and where to come back to. So he heads to the door, using as much energy to get out of bed and walk five steps as most people do to run a marathon.

But, I’m kind of lying, in a way. Or at least deceiving. I’m not going on a walk at all; I’m actually going to the Tourney field.

If I can’t help Carlos, there’s only one other person who can get through to him, and that’s Jay. Mal and Evie can help sometimes too, but, Jay seems to have a different effect on him.

I think Jay and Carlos love each other. Not the way their entire group loves each other, but the way that makes humans want to hold hands and kiss and other things. I don’t know if they know, though, or if they want to do anything about it. And I can only meddle with so many things at a time. That one will have to wait until my human’s sad-sickness is cured.

So I head to find Jay, hoping he can help somehow even if I can’t. Maybe he knows something about sad-sickness that I don’t. After all, they all grew up in pretty much the unhappiest place on the planet. So surely he knows more about sadness than I ever will. It’s both a blessing and a curse, really.

The only problem is, I’m not sure how to convey the problem to Jay, since I can’t talk anymore and he never understood me the way Carlos did. With Carlos it’s like he can understand my thoughts most of the time, the general idea if not the specifics. But Jay and I don’t have that link.

(If we’re a family, Carlos is kind of like my mother, ignoring that he’s a boy. He takes care of me and protects me and knows me better than anyone. Jay is more like an uncle to me [and Mal and Evie are like my aunts]. I love him a lot, and he loves me, but it’s a little more distant. Not like the love I feel for Carlos where it’s like he’s the center of my universe.)

Still, I have to try. So I enter the Tourney field, where practice is just finishing, and the boys are fist-bumping and two are wrestling each other. I sprint over to Jay, ignoring the rest of the team wanting to greet their old mascot, and bark urgently at him.

“Hey Dude, what’s up?” Jay asks absently, scratching my ears. I don’t _dislike_ when Jay pets me, but he always does it too hard and I usually try to move away after one or two touches. Jay is kind of like that in general really, rough on the outside but gentle on the inside.

I allow Jay to pet me, and then let out another bark, turning to the dorm building.

“Is something wrong?” Jay asks, looking from me to the building, and I nod before barking again. That’s all he needs to hear, and he hurries to the locker room, grabbing only the essentials before following me to his room.

That’s one thing I like about Jay. When Carlos is involved, he moves _fast_. He cares about Carlos almost as much as I do. (Almost. But no one does as much as me. I take pride in that.)

So we run back to their room, and Jay looks at Carlos with a frown and then back down at me. “He’s just sleeping, man,” he whispers to me. I shake my head, leaning attentively on my back legs, so Jay asks, “is he sick?”

I nod. And then Jay quietly walks to Carlos’s bed, setting a hand on his forehead. Then he looks back at me, mouthing, “he doesn’t have a fever.” I nod again, because I already know sad-sickness doesn’t cause a fever.

“Then what’s wrong with him, Dude?” Jay crouches beside me, looking into my eyes.

I try desperately to think of a way to explain it to him, and finally I set a paw on his cheek, tracing imaginary tear tracks.

Jay frowns and thinks, before guessing, “he’s… sad?” I nod. “But you said he was sick, too…” And I nod again.

Realization dawns on the human, and he lets out a soft, “oh…” before turning his attention back to Carlos.

I was right- he does understand sad-sickness after all.

So Jay sets about waking Carlos up. He leans forward to talk softly to him, stroking Carlos’s cheek.

Yes, I decide, they definitely love each other. I can see it in the touches. The looks. Jay looks at Carlos like… like Carlos being sad is the death of all good things. And as for Carlos? Carlos looks at Jay the way I look at my favorite treats, the way Belle looks at books, the way Chad looks at his own reflection, the way Fairy Godmother looks at all things dull and boring. In other words, like Jay is the greatest thing in the whole world and all the secrets to happiness exist inside Jay.

It makes me happy to see, but kind of sad in a way too. It’s not fair that rather than getting to focus on that, Carlos has to have the memories of Cruella haunting him. The woman already terrorized him for fourteen years, why should she get to ruin his day without even seeing him?

It just isn’t fair.

I settle back, watching Jay murmur to Carlos, asking what’s wrong and what he can do to help.

But then I decide I should give them privacy, the same way Carlos and I had. Even though I probably already know everything he's about to tell Jay, I think it will make my human more comfortable. So I make my way to Jay’s side of the room and jump onto his bed, making a few circles around the spot I want to lie on to make sure it’s perfect before I settle there.

I watch Jay and Carlos for one more moment before turning my back to them. Carlos doesn’t look much better, not really, but I think the fact that he’s telling Jay is a good thing. And, well, a good thing is better than _no_ thing.

I want to make Carlos okay. I want to make him forget all the things that are hurting him. But I can’t do that. So, I guess this will have to do. I’ll listen to him and fetch the rest of his family when he needs them.

It doesn’t feel like much, doesn’t feel like anything at all really. But what else can I do?

Only one more thing, and that’s to hold on to hope that somehow, he’ll get better. Maybe one day he’ll find a way to get Cruella out of his head and make the scared-sickness and sad-sickness stop.

And until then, I’ll keep trying to think of ways to help my human.

—

My dreams are very, very strange that night.

Usually I dream in black and white, but this time it’s in color; at least, what colors I can see. And instead of dreaming about playing or treats or other dog things, I see Carlos standing in our room.

He holds me close and talks softly to me, scratching behind my ears.

“Hey, buddy, I’m glad this worked. I need you to listen, okay? I have to tell you something.” He starts biting his lip as he thinks, and I dutifully give him my undivided attention, ears perked and tail wagging. “I have to go somewhere,” he says finally.

“Go somewhere?” I ask, surprised to find my voice works again. Well, it’s a dream. Anything can happen, I suppose. “Where? You go lots of places.”

Carlos shakes his head. “I mean… Not like a quick errand. Much longer than that.”

“Like when you went back to the Isle?” I ask softly.

“Kind of like that day. But even longer,” he says. He’s frowning. Not… not angry or sad. Just serious.

“Can I come?” I ask him.

“No, buddy, that’s the thing. I have to go alone. It’s… a journey I have to go on by myself. For a very, very long time.” He hesitates for a moment. “I just… it’s how things have to be. I have to do this.”

He thinks that will stop me? Please. I never stay behind when he tells me. Telling me not to go somewhere is like telling me not to eat a treat he dropped on the floor. It’s as good as mine. I tell him as much as I remind him, “I flunked obedience class.”

But Carlos looks into my eyes and says, “I mean it. You can’t come with me, literally, physically cannot.”

“Ever?” I ask, my voice sounding pathetically small. “I’ll never see you again?” The thought hurts so badly. What am I supposed to do without Carlos? How am I supposed to just do what I did before?

Now Carlos looks upset, and he assures me, “One day though, you can try and find me and we can be together again. I’d like that. But not for a long time. For now I have to do this.”

Disappointment floods me, not helped by the fact that I still really don’t get it. What could he need to do all on his own? Even when he leaves me behind- or tries to- he still has his the rest of our family with him, at least, so I know he’s safe. I don’t like this idea at all.

And speaking of them… I frown. “Does Jay know? Mal? Evie?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll explain to them too,” he promises, scratching under my chin.

Well, okay then. I still don't like it. But I guess if the others are okay with it, then I should be too.

But I’m not. It doesn’t feel right at all. I’m scared. I haven’t felt this scared since the day Maleficent attacked us.

Normally Carlos being calm would help me, but this time it just makes me feel worse. It makes me confused on top of everything else.

“I’m sorry, Dude,” Carlos whispers, kissing the top of my head. “But this is for the best. I promise.”

I cry, licking his face. I want to argue with him or demand an answer or _something_. But my voice fails me.

And then everything is fading away, and I wake up in Carlos’s bed.

Alone.

“Hey, Dude,” Jay calls, standing over me, concerned. “You were crying a lot… were you having a bad dream or something? Do dogs even have dreams?”

His question is directed more to himself than me, which is good because it gives me time to focus on more important things. Like the fact that Carlos is gone.

Was the dream real after all? Had Carlos invoked some sort of magic to talk to me one last time?

I bark at Jay, but he doesn’t seem to understand what’s wrong. Either Carlos talked to him, or…

Or Jay has no idea yet.

Either way, I’m terrified, and whether Jay is or not doesn’t matter.

I see the door open and I charge, ready to run to the ends of the earth to find Carlos. Jay doesn’t follow, but I didn’t expect him to, not if he doesn’t know anything is amiss.

Carlos doesn’t like strange places, so most of his time is spent in one of four spots on campus. Our room, the Tourney field, his classes, and the library. He obviously isn’t in our room, there’s no class today on account of it being a weekend, and Carlos doesn’t really go to the Tourney field unless there’s practice or a game. That means the library is my best bet, and so I hurry there first, quickly panting with the effort. I’ve gotten a bit out of shape since retiring as Auradon Prep’s mascot.

Sure enough, I find him sitting at a desk, and relief floods me. There’s something comforting about finding him in one of his favorite haunts. Maybe it really was just a dream and everything is normal.

Except it’s not, I realize.

Carlos may like the library, but he likes to read or work there. He doesn’t take naps there- he only ever sleeps in his room. So seeing him slumped in his chair, head resting in his arms, worries me. Maybe now his body is sick too. The thought makes part of me feel selfishly relieved. Carlos can’t go anywhere, can’t leave me if he’s sick. But then I feel like a giant jerk for thinking that at all. I don’t want him to be sicker than he already is.

I jump into Carlos’s lap, hoping for answers, but I get even more worried when he doesn’t stir.

And as I press my head to his chest, I realize he isn’t breathing.

My human isn’t breathing.

And suddenly I can’t either, the panic steals the air out of my lungs. Carlos. Not breathing. My human. My brave, kind, brilliant boy, not breathing.

Without me even commanding it, my body jumps out of the chair and starts making a commotion, barking so loud I’m sure the entire school can hear, but I don’t stop until I see Fairy Godmother enter.

She takes one look at the scene and clears the library, including me.

And suddenly I think I understand what scared-sickness feels like because my chest hurts from the way my heart pounds and I still cant breathe or think or anything and I think I’m going to throw up.

I sit immediately outside the library, making my terror known. I howl and bark and make sure the whole world knows how wrong everything has gone.

I don’t stop no matter who tries to quiet me. I don’t even stop when Jay, sprinting into my line of vision, lifts me and bolts inside, only to be forcibly removed by two teachers.

It only makes me bay harder.

My human can’t be dying, none of this can be true- surely this is just a continuation of the dream from earlier but it’s turned into a regular nightmare now.

But nothing is supposed to hurt in dreams and my heart is in agony, so I think it’s real.

But I don’t want it to be.

When Jay is thrown out of the room, the door stays open just long enough for me to leap out of his arms and inside. I rush to Carlos, who is now on the floor with a teacher doing some strange _thing_ to his chest that looks like he’s pushing on it. I lie down next to my human, refusing to let anyone shoo me out.

If I don’t leave, Carlos can’t leave _me_ like he told me he would. So I’ll stay, no matter what.

If he wakes, I’ll go with him to the hospital.

And if he dies? Then my heart will break, and I’ll follow him there, too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am very nervous about this chapter. I worry I made it too dark and maybe lost Dude's dog voice. But I also think, given Dude's sentience, that he would be a bit of a mix of a dog and a child, and a child, after going through what Dude does here, would get a bit darker. So I hope this is still plausible. Please let me know if there's anything I should change.
> 
> Here goes nothing!

I still remember the first day I met Carlos. I remember him running from me, which I thought was a game until I got close enough to see his terrified face. I remember Ben picking me up and promising Carlos I wouldn’t kill him, which was honestly a laughable idea to me and was my first hint that something horrible had happened to Carlos on the island.

But most of all I remember Carlos’s face when he held me for the first time. The wonder in his eyes and that look he gave me, like he had just found the answer to all the world’s problems. I remember deciding I’d do anything to keep that happiness there because now I had a human of my own- I had a best friend and we’d take care of each other forever. I’d love and protect him and he’d do the same for me.

What a fool I was.

Friendship is a lie. Love is a lie.

Every stupid thing humans say about happiness is a lie.

I got tricked.

I really believed them. I thought Carlos and I would be a happy family forever and we’d fight _together_ to make Carlos’s future a happy one. I thought he wanted me by his side.

I thought he cared about me. Loved me. Wanted me happy as much as I wanted that for him.

But then he did the worst, cruelest thing imaginable.

He left me all alone.

He lied to me.

He told me it was all okay.

He told me he was okay.

He told me _I_ would be okay.

It was all lies.

I want to be mad at him. I want to hate him for how badly he hurt me.

But right now I’m just empty, too much to feel anything. I don’t have the energy to be angry. The sadness is swallowing everything else.

Without Carlos I’m nothing but a sad, empty shell.

It isn’t fair. Why did he tell me all those things if he was just going to leave?

I let out my emotions in the form of a long, sorrowful howl as I stand in front of Carlos’s rock (grave, humans call it).

Humans are weird, putting people in the ground after they die, but I can’t deny it’s nice to have a spot where I can pretend he’s still there. I’ve come here every day for the last month, sometimes alone (alone except for the stuffed elephant Carlos got me for Christmas last year, which I never let out of my sight anymore) and sometimes with the others.

Sometimes the others cry. Sometimes they hold me and talk to me.

I think everyone knows I was hit by this the hardest. (It’s kind of hard to top the way I tried to dig back into the ground as soon as they finished burying him. I’d thought I could get him back if I did that. I’d been wrong. But the point is, the whole school witnessed it and I think that caused almost as many tears to be shed as the funeral itself.) So there’s never any shortage of humans to keep me company when I want it. It’s a nice gesture, but usually I want to be alone. If I do want company, it’s usually only with one of three humans.

Mal always holds me tight, like there’s a bit of Carlos inside me. (Really, everyone seems to think that lately. I guess I can understand why. I got more of his heart than anyone else, and maybe they can feel some of that inside me.) She scratches my ears and tells me stories until she’s crying too hard to continue. Sometimes Ben comes too, but ever since we buried Carlos they’ve been acting odd. They don’t smile at each other much anymore. A lot of the time they look like they can barely stand being together.

I think Mal thinks it’s Ben’s fault we lost Carlos, because he never told them there were doctors available who might have helped Carlos. (He says he didn’t know they needed one.) I don’t know how I feel about that, though. It was kind of everyone’s fault really, no one more than anyone else. Except maybe Cruella. She’s the only one I think is more guilty of taking Carlos from me than anyone else. (Well, her and one _dog_.)

I can always feel the tension when they stand with me, and when I make my visits here I always try to leave the school fast enough that they can’t tag along. Carlos wouldn’t’ve liked them fighting like that in front of him and I don’t like them doing it in front of his rock, either.

Sitting with Evie is similarly painful. The way Mal is punishing Ben for this, Evie is doing with me. At first she’d made it her mission to comfort me and hold me at all times, but something had changed at the funeral. Something had changed in her while she shed all those tears. I don’t think she blames me, exactly, but… she sees that piece of Carlos inside me that everyone else does. And while it makes Mal cling to me tighter, it makes Evie want to stay away. I’m starting to think she’ll never see me as anything but a painful reminder of the brother she lost.

(I wish sometimes I could tell her she’s a reminder to _me_ too, that I see bits of Carlos in her, but I don’t want to make her feel bad over it. And besides, I deserve her anger anyway. As upset I am that he left me, I _let_ him go. Evie should hate me, even if it’s for a different reason than she actually is.)

And then there’s Jay.

Jay sees that piece of Carlos, too. Mal cherishes it, Evie avoids it, but he… he goes out of his way to protect it and make sure it stays inside me. He’s started to do for me everything Carlos used to. Not just feeding me, but brushing my fur and cuddling me and coming to get me if I’m away for too long.

But I don’t want him to.

I don’t want anyone else but Carlos doing those things. It feels wrong. It feels like a betrayal to the only best friend I’ll ever have. If I’d died instead, I wouldn’t want Carlos getting another dog so soon, so why should I let Jay become my human?

I like Jay as a friend just fine, I do. I just don’t want to lose the things Carlos made special.

But then again, Carlos made _everything_ special to me. And without him nothing feels happy anymore, anyway, so what’s the point in holding on to those things? He certainly didn’t hold on to _me_. He lied to me to stop me from finding him until it was too late.

A sudden wave of cold brings me out of my thoughts, and I see the sun starting to set above me. I realize then how tired I am, too. Ever since _that day_ I’ve felt like… like I could sleep and sleep and still be exhausted. All my strength goes into these daily visits. And even then it’s getting harder and harder to make those, seeing as I’m eating a fraction of what I used to. It’s not because the food isn’t there. Jay’s been great at that. But I can’t make myself eat much. My tummy just… gets this awful sick feeling if I try to make myself eat as much as I used to.

I let out the closest thing to a sigh I can manage, and pick up my elephant. I kind of see him the way everyone else sees me these days. He’s a reminder of the good times I had with Carlos. He gives me something to anchor myself to with the stormy feelings I have inside. He makes me think that maybe the good times weren’t a lie after all. (Maybe. I’m still not sure.)

I press my nose to the rock, telling Carlos of my love (despite everything, despite the lies and hurt) and promising I’ll be back tomorrow, and then I make my way back to Auradon Prep’s campus.

Jay is waiting for me, as usual. He’s been crying and he has Carlos’s blanket in his hands.

“Hey, Dude,” he greets me, voice cracked. I jump into his lap, accepting his too-rough touches. He’s been getting better about them, but tends to slip up when he’s emotional. “Have a nice walk?”

I let out a grunt of affirmation, lying down and finding a comfortable position. Soon I pretend to start falling asleep, because I know there’s a battle coming and I want to avoid it.

I know I should eat. I _know_ I should. And I do my best, I really do. But it’s not enough, it’s never enough, and Jay always tries to make me eat more than I can handle. He’ll coax and bribe and beg.

I’m thankful for that, but it isn’t enough to make me eat. I just don’t feel hungry. When I do make myself eat the way they want me to, I end up feeling sick.

So I eat what little I can, and try to avoid confrontation about it when possible. Usually it works well enough for me.

I keep my body still, breathing slow and deep, and I must be getting better at pretending to be asleep because Jay starts whispering soft things to me that I know he wouldn’t say to any being, human or dog, that was awake.

“I miss him, Dude. I miss him so much it… it feels like… like I’ll never be whole again. I’m so sorry. I should have known what he was doing, but… I didn’t think he was that bad. I knew he was depressed, I just… I didn’t… I’m sorry, Dude.” His voice cracks.

In my head, I let out a sigh, not interested in the blame game all the humans are playing. (Of course, that doesn’t stop me from playing the game on my own, but that’s different.)

I stay still, too exhausted to try and comfort Jay. if this had been Carlos instead, I would have done anything possible to help, but, of course, it isn’t. The truth is, I’ll never be able to comfort my human again.

Even though I’d give anything to do so.

—

When I was a puppy, one day I got separated from my family while chasing a delicious smell. I remember the joy of finding my tasty snack- an abandoned hot dog- immediately followed by the helpless, sinking terror of realizing I was hopelessly lost.

Being lost is one of the worst things that can happen, I think. You’re surrounded by people who are just going about their day while your world is falling apart around you. You don’t know how or even if you’ll find your way back home. You run in circles, usually getting yourself even _more_ lost, while your stomach drops and your heart pounds and you can’t help but think how wrong everything has gone in so little time.

I never saw my family again after I got lost. I don’t know what happened to them, and I don’t think they know what happened to me either. They probably think I’m dead, hit by a car or something.

Finding a new family at Auradon Prep helped with the pain at the time. I may have lost my mother and father and litter mates (all six of them) but I gained hundreds of new family members who always wanted to play with me and feed me. (They fought over my company. The school used to have contests with me as a prize. A week of me staying in the dorms with them, that sort of thing.)

And then came Carlos, and suddenly I felt like I had never been lost at all, because with him was right where I was always meant to be. And even though I spent less time with the rest of my family at the school, Carlos made my heart fuller than a million people could hope to do, so it felt like I was complete.

But with Carlos gone, it’s like every loss I ever experienced is tearing through me all at once. It feels like I haven’t just lost Carlos, but _everything_ I loved.

My mother who made sure I ate even though I was the runt of the litter. My father who taught me how to beg humans for scraps. My sisters who play-fought with me and let me win, and my brothers who tried to no avail to toughen me up.

My happy life as a puppy and then as Auradon’s happy-go-lucky mascot.

My friendships with all the Tourney teammates.

Ben. Mal. Evie. Jay.

Those four are the worst because while losing my family was a one-time thing, even with the pain I feel now, I lose the others every day.

Even though three of the four still talk to me, it’s all so different and painful that I feel like I’ve lost them, too. There aren’t any smiles between any of us anymore.

Jay and Evie sit in an angry silence that feels like clouds rolling in before a thunderstorm.

Evie and Mal argue with each other about what Carlos would have wanted them to do.

Jay and Mal talk about anything but the gaping holes in their hearts.

Ben tries to get Evie and Jay to talk, but they refuse until he sighs and walks away looking helpless and small.

Mal and Ben scream at each other every time they get in the same room. Well, sort of. More like Mal screams at him until he leaves.

And when the four are in a group together they alternate between silence, arguing, and pretending not to scan the room for the person who should be there to bring some balance.

And me? I hide. Sometimes it’s in plain sight, like Carlos was so good at doing. I hide in Jay’s lap, staying quiet, blending in to the background. Other times, like when Mal and Ben fight, I literally hide, crawl up under the bed and cower. The noise wouldn’t’ve bothered me before, but now I don’t have Carlos’s protection.

Without Carlos, the world is upside-down and I don’t know what to expect from any situation at all anymore.

I feel like something’s gone missing inside me that I’ll never get back.

I think that’s how my parents felt the day I went missing.

Loving someone is the scariest, most dangerous thing in the world. Because nothing is easier to lose than someone you love, even though that’s the one thing you’ll fight for hardest.

My family lost me and I lost them. I lost Carlos. I lost my friends.

I don’t think I want to love anymore. It doesn’t do anything but hurt you in the end.

Love is a lie. Humans talk about it like it’s the greatest thing in the world, like your life doesn’t mean anything until you find it. But love leaves you sooner or later, whether they choose to like Carlos did, or whether it’s by accident like me.

Why would anyone want that pain in their lives? Maybe humans can keep fooling themselves with false promises, but not me.

—

I think I’m starting to get sick like Carlos was.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not playing- when I even bother to play- not treats, not my elephant, not even remembering my favorite memories with Carlos.

I spend most of the day lost in my own thoughts.

And if Jay knew how much I think about trying to find Carlos like he said I could one day… I think he’d panic.

Not that I’d care. I’d just sleep through it all, like always.

Or like always ever since _that day_.

Every day, Jay begs me to eat even a little. I refuse until I get hungry enough to take a few bites. But that’s getting rarer and rarer.

I’m losing weight. Everyone can see it. Everyone seems to have some sort of advice for Jay on how to make me want to eat. Enticing me with delicious foods or praising me or getting me new food bowls or putting some kind of medicine in my water.

No one asks me how I feel about it all. Not that I could answer, but it would be nice. It’s what Carlos would do.

But then again, _what Carlos would do_ also involves leaving me all alone, so maybe I shouldn’t wish for that.

—

Jay brings me to the vet one day. They tell him I’m not going to last much longer at this rate.

He cries a lot.

But I actually feel almost happy about it.

—

One day, when I go to Carlos’s rock, I refuse to leave.

Jay comes to find me, like he always does when I’m away too long. He picks me up and brings me back to our room. But I cry so loud all through the night that he lets me stay the next day.

And after that, I don’t leave. Not when it rains, not at night, not when it’s freezing cold and it starts to snow.

I don’t know how dying works. But I want to see Carlos again and I’m not sure if he’ll know to come get me unless I’m at his rock. So I stay and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Jay brings me water and food, looking more distraught every time he comes- dark circles under his eyes, hair unbrushed and wild, eyes crazed. He looks as bad as I feel.

“Damnit, Dude!” he screams at me when I refuse to eat or drink. He pushes the food bowl at me. “I can’t lose you both! I can’t! You’re all I have left!” Pure desperation enters his voice. “Stop being stupid and _eat your goddamn food already!_ ” He’s about to cry, I can tell. It can’t be easy to watch that last bit of Carlos that’s inside me fade away.

I look up at him with empty eyes. I’m sad that he’s sad, really, but…

But not sad _enough_.

Jay breaks down when he sees me. I think he’s starting to understand me and how I think. Or maybe I’m too obvious.

“Please,” Jay sobs, picking me up. “Please, Dude. You have to. I know you miss him. I do too- I miss him so much. I loved him.” He cradles me to his chest. “But Dude, you have to believe me, this isn’t what he would have wanted. He would have wanted you to stay happy and healthy. He would’ve wanted us to stay together and be a family. Please…”

If Carlos wanted me happy and healthy, he shouldn’t’ve left me.

And why do humans talk about what a dead person would have wanted? What does it matter? Are we supposed to live the rest of our lives for someone who isn’t here anymore, someone who passed their pain on to us?

Why should I have to suffer when he got to escape his pain?

Jay cries and rocks me back and forth, still babbling about how he can’t lose me and he promises he’ll make it right, somehow, if I just give him the chance.

But I think it’s too late, even if I did want to hold on (which I don’t), because I haven’t eaten in so long. And everything’s getting fuzzy and distant and… droopy. Like that feeling when you run and run until you can barely move, can barely stay awake another second.

Jay is weeping, crying things to me that I barely hear. I stop trying to pay attention because suddenly, the thing I want more than anything is right in front of me.

Carlos.

My human. My beautiful sweet boy.

For the first time since he left us, I feel happy. I think my tail would start to wag if it could.

Carlos is frowning, leaning over me and picking me up like I’m a priceless, breakable treasure. He holds me close, stroking my fur. “Hey, Dude. I missed you,” he whispers. He starts to rock me, sniffling. “I missed you so much, buddy. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant for… for any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” His voice cracks.

I look up at him, feeling angry and relieved and so many other things at once that I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t say anything to Carlos, worried that he’ll leave me again if I do.

Carlos scratches behind my ears. “Please forgive me, Dude. You have to believe me, I never wanted to hurt you.”

_But you did,_ I think, and Carlos seems to hear it as loud as if I’d spoken.

“I’m going to make this right, buddy. I promise.”

I tilt my head. How? There’s only one way I can think of. I press closer to him, giving him my silent permission to take me away to wherever he’s been so we can be together again at last.

But Carlos shakes his head. “No. That’s not what we’re doing… the opposite, really. I can’t say too much, but… there’s a way I can come back and fix this. I can undo everything, Dude. But you have to help me.”

I look at him for a long moment. It sounds hard, and I’m just so _tired_. How could he ask such a thing of me? Why should I have to fight and help and all these other things I’ve been asked, when he gave up and abandoned me and hurt us all?

“Please, Dude. That’s what I’m saying… I messed up. I know I did. I’m trying to make it right.” He swallows thickly. “I was… happy, at first. I didn’t regret it until I saw the fighting. Until I saw how much you were suffering. And then someone brought me back here and gave me magic to undo what I did. I can’t tell you who or how. But for it to work- and we don’t have long- I need something from you.”

I curl up into a tiny ball in his arms, thinking it over. I’m mad at Carlos. Really, really mad, and I’m hurt too. He left me. He let me suffer. He let the group fall apart and let me get sad-sick.

But I love him. I love him more than anything or anyone. Even when I know love is a lie and it does nothing but hurt you, I can’t stop feeling it for him. He’s like the sun. Even when I know it’s going to leave and let the sky get dark, I still hold on to it because I like the light when it is there.

And I would do anything for him to come back. I’ll be okay again if he does. Everyone will be. The fighting between our friends can finally stop. I can breathe again without my heart hurting and feeling empty.

Finally I let out a breath as close as I can get to a sigh, and nod my agreement.Carlos gives a little lopsided grin at me. “Good.” Then his face falls. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Dude. You’ve been hurting so much and it’s all my fault, and I promise when we get back I’ll make it right. I’ll never let that happen to you again, okay?” He squeezes me. “You’re so brave and kind. I won’t let you go through this anymore. I promise. All you need to do is this. I’m going to activate the spell I was given, okay? And then we’ll be back at when I d… at that moment in the library. But you’ll be able to save me this time with something called True Love’s Kiss.”

I rest my head against him and let out a tiny whine. The plan is bound to fail. How can I use the most painful thing in the world as a cure?

Carlos stares down at me, looking shattered. I know he knows what I’m thinking- whether by magic or not, I’m not sure- and the fact that I’m hurting so badly, that _he_ hurt me so badly, is tearing him apart.

“I’m sorry!” he chokes out, hugging me tighter, tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry, Dude! I never wanted this to happen!” He hiccups. “I- I was just hurting so badly, Dude, and I couldn’t take it- I never- I never thought I’d be doing the same to you.” He bows his head and sobs.

More emotions stir inside me. The anger fades a little, but not the hurt, the feeling of betrayal. I think I’ll always feel that way. But seeing Carlos’s reaction, seeing how much my pain devastates him, reminds me of who he really is. It makes me think of the times we had together when he was alive.

I remember the first night we spent together. I remember how he stood up to Cruella de Vil herself to protect me from her mean words. I remember those nights when he snuggled close to me for comfort after a nightmare, and when I’d do the same for him during a thunderstorm. I remember the elephant he gave me on Christmas, so I’d always have a friend with me, even when we were apart.

Carlos loves me. And I love him.

That’s not to say love doesn’t still cause pain, because it _does_.

But I’m starting to think maybe they’re supposed to go together. Loving someone makes pain hurt a bit less. And the pain makes you remember why love is a good thing, stops you from taking it for granted. (Because I know, if we do manage to bring Carlos back to life, that I will never take a single minute with him for granted ever again.) It doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with, but as the seconds tick on, I become more confident that love isn’t a lie after all.

Will my love be enough to bring Carlos back, though? What if I lose him again? What if I get my hopes up and then I have to experience this hell a second time?

I gaze up at Carlos, making sure he hears my silent plea. _Don’t make me watch you die a second time. Please. Don’t make me do this again._

Swallowing, Carlos shakes his head. “I won’t. It’ll work. I know it will. If there’s one thing in this world I know it’s that you and I are true love… even if it’s not the kind of true love people usually think of.”

I take in a steadying breath and let the truth of the words sink in. That’s the only thing I’m certain of, too.

If Carlos trusts that it will work, I’ll try it. I’ll do anything to bring my human back where he belongs.

“Let’s make this right, Dude,” Carlos whispers. “We’ll reverse the death spell. And then we’ll fix what’s wrong inside me… and you, too.”

Me?

I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I think Carlos is right. Even if this works, I don’t think the hurt of having lost him will ever go away. Nor will the fear from realizing how easy it is to lose everything you care about. I think recovering from this will take a lot of help from the doctors Ben mentioned after Carlos died.

So I guess we have some more battles to fight, together.

Thinking about what we have to do terrifies me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. If getting Carlos back means doing scary things, I guess I’ll just have to keep my elephant closer and do it.

Carlos gives me a teary smile. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me, Dude. I hope you know that.” He hugs me and rests his chin on my head. “The best friend I could ever ask for.”

My tail finally starts to wag. I’m right where I belong, where I’d thought I’d never be again, and I’ll do anything in my power to make sure I stay there this time.

Anything for my human.

“Ready, buddy?” Carlos asks, setting me down. He kneels in front of me, scratching my cheeks and looking into my eyes. “I know you’re scared. I am too. But we’ll do this together. Okay?”

I nod, and close my eyes. Yes, I’m ready, as ready as I’ll ever be to return to the day I lost my human.

And the next thing I know, I’m in the library again, with the same chaos from before exploding around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And there is chapter two. I hope you enjoyed it. Originally the plan was to split the story into two timelines, one with Carlos dying and one with him living, and was going to let readers decide which they wanted. But then halfway through this chapter I had an ah-ha moment on how I could make it one cohesive timeline, so here we are. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! One more to go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here it is; the last chapter. Thank you so much for sticking with me, and for all the support you guys have given me. It really boosts my confidence.

I don’t have a problem admitting that a lot of things scare me. Thunderstorms scare me. Monsters scare me. Cruella scares me, even though I never met her. Maleficent, cats, and vacuum cleaners all scare me. (What can I say? I’m a tiny dog and there’s a lot of things out there I will never stand a chance against.)

But all of those things combined would be nothing compared to how scary it is to watch my human dying again.

One would think it would be easier the second time. Carlos is technically still dead, so it’s not like I’ll be any worse off if he dies again… right?

Wrong.

I can’t do it a second time, I know I can’t. I had already given up before Carlos appeared. If we can’t save him this time… it will break me even more than I already was before.

I can’t go to another funeral, I can’t watch our friends fall apart again… I can’t do it.

I walk to Carlos, a constant stream of whines escaping me as I avoid the adults trying to shoo me out of the room- again. I lay beside my human, again, my head resting against his chest- again- as I wait for some sign of life to return to his body- again.

I’ll only get one chance at this. One chance to make it all okay again. It’s a lot of pressure, and a part of me is mad that Carlos is putting that all on me. But the other part of me also knows that if there was any way he could have done this without upsetting me, he would have. This is the only way to fix things. To fix  _us_.

But no matter how much I tell myself we’re going to be okay, I keep feeling more and more afraid. The terror keeps growing, and growing, and eventually it just sort of takes over me. I don’t really take in anything that happens for a long time, until I find myself in Jay’s arms with no idea when he picked me up. He’s just bouncing me like Carlos always did- does?- and muttering words that are for his benefit as much as mine, a lot of “it will be okay” and “he’ll survive, Dude, it’ll all be okay, I promise.”

I cling to him for a long moment, terrified I’ll blink and find the same broken Jay from before in front of me. The same broken Jay, the same broken  _everything_.

My heart beats like an obnoxiously loud drum from the Auradon Prep marching band, and I find myself unable to think about anything but how hard it is to breathe.

The only thing that breaks through my panicked haze is the realization that it’s time to attempt to bring my human back.

But I’m so afraid to try. If I lick his face and he doesn’t stir, that’s it; that’s my last hope shattered forever. If I stay as I am now, I’ll be terrified, but I can cling to that last bit of hope even if it will be marred by the uncertainty.

But I also know if I wait too long, my choice will be made for me. Everything will go back to how it was before, and it’ll all be my fault.

I think of Carlos and how brave he was. Or  _is_ , if this works. How much he went through and still kept soldiering on, until the end of it all. How he  _came_   _back_ , for me, to try to fight again, because he loves me so much.

Carlos would do the same for me in an instant, even though he’d be just as terrified as I am now. I can’t fail him.

So I work up all my courage, leaning next to my human, and lick his cheek once, twice, three times. I think of how much I love him. How miserable I was without him, how much I want to be a family again with him and Jay and the others. How I can’t live without him another second.

As soon as I pull away, Carlos takes in a gasping breath, and I let out an ecstatic bark as I attack his face with more kisses. Next to me, Jay gasps, and immediately pulls Carlos into his arms, tears forming in his eyes.

And this time, they aren’t tears of grief.

Carlos is okay, and Jay is okay, and I’m okay. Or, we will be. The world is finally as it should be, and I can breathe again.

As Carlos wakes, a faint sound of something like pain escaping him, I whine and nuzzle his face, snuggled cozily between my human and the one he loves.

—

I’ve never been to a hospital before now. (Well, I guess maybe you could count the vet Jay brought me to. But in a way, you can’t. Because now that’s been erased from reality. Carlos and I are the only ones who will remember it. So in a way, I’ve never been at all. But in a way I have.) It doesn’t take me that long to decide I don’t like them. They’re bright and loud.

But I wouldn’t think of leaving for a second, because I’m lucky I was allowed here to begin with. Dogs aren’t usually welcomed in places like this, and it was only Carlos insisting he needed me as his therapy dog- and Ben and Fairy Godmother backing him up- that got me here.

It’s weird to think of myself as a  _therapy dog_. I’ve already been one to Carlos since we met, but having a title for it is just… strange.

Having a title only makes me that much more determined to do my job better this time. I failed Carlos before- I can’t afford to again.

I barely let Carlos out of my sight once we get settled in one of the rooms. When no one is around, I explore every corner to make sure nothing is waiting to jump out and attack. I dutifully inspect each and every visitor who arrives, sniffing them thoroughly before letting them see my human. I sit in Carlos’s lap when doctors and nurses examine him or talk to him. When he gets upset I let out a little bark to get his attention before he gets overwhelmed.

At first all the visits are from doctors who specialize in the human body. But when they find the remnants of dark magic inside Carlos, they bring in those doctors Ben talked about that specialize in minds and problems like sad-sickness. Doctors we never knew existed, and who could have helped so much if we only knew sooner.

Once they start asking questions about how Carlos got here, Carlos breaks down, and I growl protectively until Carlos hushes me through his own tears. It’s bad enough that Carlos is exhausted from the effects of the spell on his body, has trouble breathing even though the doctors say he’s not in danger anymore, but for them to get him all upset is more than I can stand.

Eventually Carlos calms me again, and looks down at me rather than any of the humans as he answers their questions, explaining what he did to try and end things. “It was a death spell,” he says as a big fat tear lands on my nose. “I put it in my water bottle, so it wouldn’t be all at once. But once I… you know. Once that happened, Dude saved me with True Love’s Kiss.” He gives me a tearful smile and presses our heads together. “There’s a lot of different kinds of love, you know? And he couldn’t stand the thought of me… leaving.”

One of the doctors, who I can’t see from my position, starts talking. “You tried to take your own life,” she says, and Carlos nods silently. “Would you do it again given the chance?”

Carlos shakes his head again. “I couldn’t do that to my friends,” he says softly. “I thought, before, that I’d be helping them if I did it, but then Dude saved me and I saw…” He trails off. “I wouldn’t hurt them that way. Not again.”

Quietly, the doctor tells Carlos, “I believe you. But I still worry about your mental health; the Isle has left a lot of scars, and I’d like to admit you as my patient.”

Anger flashes over Carlos’s face. “Now you care,” he says bitterly, scratching my chin to give himself something to do with his hands. Then his face softens and he sounds more tired than anything. “I know you couldn’t stop it; no one but King Beast could. But none of you spoke out when he created the Isle.”

“No,” the doctor says, a strange tone in her voice. It’s not  _regret_ , but it’s something close. “I didn’t. None of us did.”

“Then you were complicit in this.” Carlos holds out his arm, where, above his elbow, there’s an ugly, red scar. From what, I don’t know, though it goes without saying that Cruella was involved. “You helped make this happen. How can I trust you to make me better now?”

The doctor hesitates, and then says, “when you first came to Auradon, nobody trusted you because you were a VK. But most of the people you know have learned to work past the mistakes you made before with the wand, correct?” She pauses to take a breath. “I don’t expect your trust right away. Just a chance.”

Carlos sighs. “I can do that.” He holds me closer to himself. “Do I have to stay in the hospital, then?”

“Yes,” the doctor says. “But before you ask, your dog can stay with you. I don’t think being separated would benefit either of you right now.”

It’s a small comfort for both of us. Carlos isn’t happy about having to stay in the hospital, which means I’m not happy either, but we have each other, at least.

“Does this mean… do you think I’m crazy?” Carlos asks the doctor, pausing in the middle of scratching my ears. Pain enters his voice.

I only have a vague idea what ‘crazy’ means. To me it means a maniacal axe murderer, or a puppy-skinner. Someone just… deranged. But to Carlos it apparently means a lot more. ‘Crazy’ is, from the sounds of it, something he’s feared being before. I don’t know anyone else terrified of being an axe murderer. There must be more to it than that, something I’m missing.

“‘Crazy’ has too many different meanings to be a useful word,” she replies, confirming my suspicion; humans must have a lot more uses for the label than I do. “It can mean anyone who’s sick, or it can just mean someone experiencing psychosis, or someone so far disconnected from reality that they are dangerous… or a million other things.”

Carlos swallows hard. “I guess what I mean is, am I insane like my mother? Or am I  _going_  to be?”

“No.” The doctor’s voice is firm. “You are nothing like your mother, and what you’re experiencing doesn’t make you a danger to anybody like she is.”

(I could have told them that, if they’d asked me.)

Carlos’s eyes fill with tears, but he doesn’t say anything more despite the obvious pain he’s in. For my part, I cuddle closer to him and turn around, so I can watch the doctor and make sure she leaves before she causes my human any more distress.

Because I’m Carlos’s therapy dog now, and I have a job to do.

—

Carlos’s- our- friends come to visit a few hours later, after Carlos has taken a nap and looks better than earlier. Though not completely better, not yet. It will take time for the effects of the spell to wear off. There’s still some of the dark magic inside Carlos, still trying to stop his heart. There isn’t enough to succeed, but there is enough to make him exhausted and to make it hard for him to breathe. It could wear off in a few hours, or it could be weeks.

Everyone is told to be careful not to wear Carlos out any more than he already is, so they won’t set his recovery back. Carlos looks ready to nod off already, even though he’s just woken from a long enough nap to make me jealous, but he stays awake for the sake of his friends as they come in one-by-one.

Ben comes in first, and he wastes no time before apologizing. “I’m sorry,” he says, quiet and guilty. “I should have told you help was available. This all could have been prevented…”

I tilt my head, because it sounds all too familiar to me. I guess Ben would feel at fault no matter what, then. Even though there was nothing he could have done. Even if Carlos knew about the doctors, he would never have sought them out on his own.

See, Ben may be the nicest and most understanding of all the Auradon teens, but he still doesn’t understand the Isle sometimes. He’s too privileged to consider that Carlos really doesn’t, and probably never will, trust adults to help him. He would get it if someone told him, but it would never occur to him on his own.

You only learn these things from being there yourself, or from spending all day, every day with someone who has.

Carlos lies back on a stack of pillows, petting me where I’m snuggled comfortably against his side. “No,” he says, shaking his head. “You couldn’t have known. And I don’t think I would have taken your help anyway. I didn’t tell anyone but Dude until yesterday. After that I only told Jay, and only a little of what was going on.”

“I shouldn’t have needed to be told to tell you,” Ben argues. “It was obvious you all were scarred. I should have seen how deep it went. For all of you. It was obvious you needed it.”

“Oh, please don’t say that,” Carlos says, swallowing hard. “Do you have any idea how hard we work to hide our scars? Don’t say it was obvious they were there. Hiding your weaknesses is practically the first thing you learn on the Isle after walking.”

Ben looks uncomfortable and starts to fidget the way I do when I’ve been inside for too long. “Still. Carlos, I’m sorry. We’ll all be here to make sure your recovery goes smoothly, okay? We’ll make this right, I promise.”

Carlos smiles thinly. “I don’t think anyone can make it smooth, but thank you, Ben.” He lets out a sigh, pulling me to sit on his tummy, which I know means he’s about to get scared-sick again. I straighten protectively, staring at Ben. I like him a lot, because he’s the reason Carlos and I met to begin with, but I won’t hesitate to growl at him if he makes Carlos upset.

But just as I start to practice my mean face, Evie comes in, and Ben says a quick goodbye to Carlos before hurrying out the door.

—

Seeing Evie is strange.

It’s strange to see her hugging Carlos like he never died. Strange to have her petting me like she  _doesn’t_  see me as just a painful reminder of Carlos’s death.

I continue keeping close to Carlos, barely acknowledging when she pets me in greeting, because if I’m honest, I’m still a bit upset at her. Well, not really “at her” anymore, since it’s not the same her. But I look at Evie, and I just remember how hurt I was, how she ignored me when I really needed her, and…

Well, I guess our roles are kind of reversed now, in a way.

Still, even as I keep my distance, I have to give her credit for what she has done, and still is doing, for my human. She took care of him on the Isle more than anyone, even more than Jay. And I will always be thankful to her for that.

(What if, a little voice inside me asks, what if she had never come along? Would Carlos’s sad-sickness have gotten to be too much before we even met? What would have happened then? Would I have ever had a chance to save him?)

“What  _happened_ , C?” Evie asks, bringing me out of my thoughts. Her voice is so sad, so little, so broken.

(I think it’s what my voice might be like, if I could still talk.)

Carlos struggles to find words. I struggle to find the right way to comfort him. Evie struggles to keep herself put together.

We all have our own little battles in this, I guess.

Carlos looks at me for a long moment, and opens his mouth before shaking his head. “I can’t, Evie, not right now. It hurts too much still.”

Evie looks shattered, but she nods and presses a kiss to Carlos’s temple. “I’m sorry, C,” she whispers.

“Not as sorry as me,” Carlos replies, tangling his fingers in my fur. “Nobody’ll ever be as sorry as me.”

He’s wrong, because  _I_  am.

—

Mal doesn’t do emotional stuff (even though I know she feels it, just like the rest of us do). It’s kind of nice in a way, a nice break from the tension of tonight. She just sits by Carlos’s bed and asks if he’s okay, if he will be okay. Once he confirms he is, she nods and goes quiet and just keeps us company.

She tells me stories about how she and Uma used to mess with Cruella, which makes me happy beyond words. I approve wholeheartedly of any attempts to knock Cruella down a peg or two, even if it will never, in a million years, equal what she did to Carlos.

Does Mal know, I can’t help but wonder, exactly how far Cruella went? That it went so far that beatings aren’t even on the list of the ten worst things she did?

I think she has an idea- I think all our friends do. But I don’t think any, even Jay, know the whole truth. They just have an inkling.

I don’t think  _I_  even know the whole truth, really.

Only my boy knows. And we all know how good he is at keeping things from us.

—

Last of all is Jay.

Just like the others, it confuses me a little, unsettles me, to see him act like nothing happened. For him, nothing did happen. Well, something happened. He still saw Carlos almost die. But the something I remember didn’t happen for him now.

This situation is like one of Carlos’s logic problems, and it make my head hurt a bit trying to think it through.

But it makes me happy in a way to see how all of our friends are okay, or mostly okay, now. They aren’t falling apart anymore- they're mostly healthy teenagers again like they should be.

But like with the others, it’s all too easy to remember that pain in Jay’s eyes. When Carlos died, it was like a part of Jay did too. Even though Jay has that part back now, I keep remembering him without it.

I let Jay scratch behind my ears- too hard again, just like before he learned how I like to be pet- before turning my attention back to Carlos. He’s getting sleepy again and I don’t think he’ll be able to listen to much of whatever Jay’s about to tell him. I just hope it’s nothing too important. If it’s something Jay has had to prepare for, and he tells Carlos only to find him asleep… he may give up on trying again.

“Hey, C,” Jay murmurs. His voice sounds scratchy and rough- from having cried, I learned in those terrible months we erased. He sets a hand on Carlos’s forehead, brushing the hair back out of his eyes. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times, like he’s trying to say something but can’t, before he finally whispers, “I’m glad you’re okay. I’m so glad you’re still with us.”

“Me too,” Carlos whispers back, reaching out to grab Jay’s hand. “I realized… I don’t want to leave after all. I want to stay.”

None of the others touched Carlos, maybe a little worried he wouldn’t want to, or that they would hurt him. With the others, Carlos didn’t reach out, just accepted the lack of touch- but Jay has always,  _always_  been different in Carlos’s eyes. Carlos loves Jay’s touch.

Jay takes Carlos’s hand, smiling, and then looks away for a long while.

I remember Jay saying, “I loved him,” and realize he wants to finally say it to Carlos. But I can’t let him do it. (Emotions are hard things to deal with sometimes, even good ones, and my human is already so exhausted. If he's this sick from all his emotions already, the last thing he needs is more of them.)

So I look at Carlos, seeing his eyes starting to droop, and then turn to Jay, bringing my body to full alertness to signal that he needs to leave soon. Jay nods at me, accepting my order without a word.

In silent understanding, we both move closer to Carlos, myself on his belly, and Jay with one arm around Carlos in a loose hug.

“Jay?” Carlos murmurs sleepily, fighting to keep his eyes open. “I, I just… I wanted to say thank you. And I’m sorry. I’ll get better, I promise. For all of you guys.”

Jay fidgets and shakes his head. “You don’t have to be sorry, Carlos. And don’t get better for me, okay? Do it for you.”

Carlos smiles sadly. “I’m not a good enough reason,” he says matter-of-factly.

I wince. It’s a painful reminder to me that even though we’ve fixed things so he can live, even though he won’t try to kill himself again, he’s still just as sad-sick as before.

Jay looks just as pained as me, and is about to protest, but Carlos’s eyes finally slide closed. I stretch out to make myself look bigger so Jay won’t try to wake him.

“It’s okay, Dude,” Jay says softly, holding out his hand in surrender. “He can sleep. I won’t push things.”

I nod and turn to watch Carlos fall asleep. Jay does the same, watching his chest rise and fall just like I have ever since the library. Both of us need the reminder that he’s alive.

Jay sets a hand on Carlos’s chest, swallowing hard as he feels the strong and steady heartbeat under his hand. That soft expression comes over him, the one that makes it clear that he loves Carlos (almost) as much as I do. (Almost. I know it’s not a contest of who loves Carlos the most, yet I can’t help but make it one sometimes. I want to scream it, want to tell everyone I love him the most of anyone.)

He looks between me and Carlos, and then smiles, petting my head. “Thank you for saving Carlos, Dude. You’re such a good boy… I could rub your belly every minute for the rest of your life and it still wouldn’t be what I owe you. You brought him back to me, man, that means more than I can say… just… thank you.” Tears fill his eyes. “I love him.” He looks surprised to have said such a thing aloud, but doesn’t take it back; in fact, he repeats it. “I love him. And when he gets better, I’m gonna tell him.”

I like that idea. Carlos loves Jay, and he deserves Jay’s love. The more of it he gets, the better, I think. It’s not that love makes everything better, but it helps, and sometimes I like to imagine myself just gathering all the love the universe has to offer and throwing it over Carlos like a warm blanket.

I lick Jay’s hand to signal my approval, and he smiles, petting me. “Yeah… that would be nice, huh? You’d have two daddies.” He chuckles to himself, and then looks down at Carlos. “I have to go, huh?” he mumbles, looking at me. I nod once, and he sighs.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, C. Every day till you get to come home.” He keeps his hand over Carlos’s pulse for a minute longer, and then slowly removes it, like he’s scared Carlos’s heart will stop again if his hand isn’t there. (Even though the two aren’t related.)

“I already know you will, but I gotta say it, Dude.” Jay covers the top of my head with one hand. “Take care of him. Please. He’s important and… he needs you right now.” And with that, he turns on his heels and walks out of the room.

I stay in bed with Carlos, watching him and then settling down with my thoughts. I lie on top of my human, resting my head on my front paws.

Jay is right. I already planned to take care of Carlos; I’d give my life to protect him. Because I’m a therapy dog now, and that means taking care of my human no matter what the cost.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because Carlos is alive, and the doctors will find a way to cure his sad-sickness and scared-sickness eventually. He’ll get a happily ever after, even if he has to spend years fighting for it. He’ll have me, and he’ll have Jay, and all their other friends too. He’s one of the smartest humans on the planet and I know he can do anything he sets his mind to. One day, he’ll get better, and he’ll get everything he could ever want or need. I know he will. Someday, somehow.

And as for me, I already have my happily ever after. 

I’ll never have to spend another minute without my human again- what more could a dog like me want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And with that, we have reached the end of this tale. But don't worry- there will be much more to the story. I already have at least two sequels planned, one of which will show Jay's part in all of this. Stay tuned! And thanks again for taking this journey with me!


End file.
